heartbreak

Why?

Such a simple question, such a complicated answer.

Why are there so many shootings? Why would someone deliberately cause such pain and suffering? Why would someone want to kill innocent people? What gives him the right to take away the precious gift of life?

With news of mass shootings left and right, I can’t help but fear for our future. Things have a tendency to get worse. If it’s this bad now, what’s it going to be like in the future?

The news report of the Sutherland Springs shooting said that the 26 dead ranged from 5 to 72 years old. When I heard the numbers, I was floored. A 5 year old. 5. When I was 5, I didn’t have a care in the world, let alone the thought of being mercilessly murdered. How could someone pull the trigger on a 5 year old? A child with a bright future ahead? Who was the shooter to take that away?

I feel like I’m constantly hearing about a new shooting each month, and I am so tired of it. I’m tired of people shooting and killing other people. I’m tired of all the hate that is being thrown about. I’m tired of crying my eyes out about the injustice of all the lost lives.

Last month it was The Harvest Music Festival shooting. This month it’s the Sutherland Springs shooting. Interspersed with news of vehicles plowing into pedestrians and news of shootings overseas, our world just doesn’t seem like a safe place anymore.

So what can we do? We can make our voices heard. We don’t have to ban guns or make them illegal. However, we can ensure that there are more background checks for those trying to obtain guns, and make the process a little bit harder for those who are trying to weapons of mass destruction.

It’s not much, but it helps with the feeling of being helpless. Helpless in that you can’t go and save those who were affected by the shootings. Empowered in that you won’t have to feel so afraid anymore.

 

Sending my love to all the families of Sutherland Springs,

Emily

confused and desperate

Hey remember that time when I friend-zoned a guy and then debated my life decisions a couple of months after? Yeah I’m back in that situation.

We’ve been hanging out a wholeee lot and now I’m not quite sure how I feel anymore. On one hand, he’s nice, polite, and I enjoy hanging out with him as a friend. On the other hand, I don’t quite like it when he hangs out with other girls alone and I keep wondering what it would be like to be a little more. And finally, on the other mutant hand (my brain’s messed up), I’m wondering if I’m just desperate and settling for him. (I’m also running for the hills for thinking about buckling down into a relationship.)

Having rejected him before, I’m stuck in a very awkward situation. I don’t want to encourage him because I have no idea what my brain is doing. However, I also want to see what it would be like to be in a relationship with him.

So what should I do? Oh don’t worry, I’ve already figured it out.

I’m avoiding the situation and writing another poem about fall. So, here we go. Don’t worry, it’s so bad that it’s good. Just don’t think about it.

An Ode to the Pumpkin Spice Latte

Swirls of flavor,

swimming on my tongue.

Pumpkin and spice,

mix together so nice.

I love it so much,

every single touch.

My lips to the cup,

@ Chanel fill ‘er up.

You’re so delicious,

and somewhat nutritious.

I’ll miss you when you’re gone,

so please stay long.

 

Avoiding my feelings and writing bad poems,

Emily

ps- Chanel is my Starbucks barista. She’s the best.

pps- I promise I’m not crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

an open letter to the boy in the laundry room

Dear Laundry Room Boy,

Hi. How are you? Remember me? We met in the laundry room of the dorm. I was pulling my clothes out of a dryer; you were standing there staring at me. I was perfectly comfortable with you ogling at my butt and at my underwear that I was pulling out the dryer. No big. No big at all.

How would you feel if I deliberately stared at your crotch while watching you take your underwear out of the dryer? Not too great, huh? Embarrassing much? Demeaning much? Put yourself in your victim’s shoes. Imagine what it feels like to have to go through the torture that you are enforcing on the other. Think, and use your brain.

I didn’t think that I could get any more uncomfortable, but you somehow managed to make it happen. When I was rushing to finish grabbing my clothing from the dryer, I tried to go too fast, and I ended up dropping one of my underwear. You instantly stooped down, grabbed it, and stared at it in your hand. I stood there uncomfortably as I waited for you to hand my underwear back. After you finally handed it back, I choked out a “Thank you,” and ran out the door with the rest of my laundry. Fun fact: I threw away the underwear that you touched because I was creeped out. Another fun fact: I’m now scared of doing laundry by myself.

Why did you do it? Why would you do that to me? What was the point? The purpose? WHY????????!!!

 

Hoping that I never see you again,

Emily

 

 

 

 

the time I died in the grass

Once upon a time, I went running with Juhee.

Yeah, I know, running is stupid and painful, but I hadn’t seen her all day and I had missed her face. (On the bright side, I doubled my step goal and got to jam out to T-Swizzle.) Thus, I dropped my uneaten cake on the table, and went to grab my tennis shoes. I quickly hyped myself up for the run by telling myself that I could be the next Oprah Winfrey, and ran downstairs to meet up with Juhee.

We started out easy, stretching on the Campus Green while planning our run. Little did I know that my lungs and legs (and all my body parts) were about to catch on fire. We started running, and Juhee had picked out a hill to run up at the beginning of our route. A HILL. A TALL, STEEP, PAINFUL HILL. I panted, physically weak (like I’m 100% out of shape) as I fought against the hill and somehow made it over. We then continued to run OFF CAMPUS (that’s how far we ran) to a sketchy gas station. (In case you were wondering, I was now 110% dead.) I stopped and walked a couple of times because I actually thought my heart was going to beat out of my chest, but I had committed to running, so I was gonna run (I could be the next Oprah Winfrey, keep up.)

We finally finished our run, and were calmly walking back to our dorm when we once again encountered the Campus Green. I then had the brightest idea ever. Why not finish our run strong by doing one lap around the Green?

IT WAS A MISTAKE. I gave Juhee a motivational speech (I called her a sparkly unicorn) and we set off. (aka she did a lap and I cut through the Green for a shorter route and still died). Juhee finished before me (even though I cheated) and was pacing in circles as I thudded my way over, loudly yelling about how stupid running is. Once I reached her, I promptly laid down on the grass and continued my rant (Long story short, I basically just said that the world is a bad place because running exists).

Unfortunately for me, a certain someone (who shall remain un-named) that I had recently friend-zoned happened to walk by at that moment with a group of his friends. I was still blasting Taylor Swift in my headphones, so I didn’t notice Juhee subtly trying to alert me that he was there. Buuuuttttt I didn’t notice and I continued with my rant from the grass. According to Juhee, he glanced and acted normally, but apparently his friends were staring and laughing at me (RIP me).

Juhee didn’t tell me this until they were well out of earshot, but I was SHOOK.  I had just embarrassed myself and probably that guy too (for liking me) in front of all of his friends. Rip me. Anywayssss, I’m telling myself that I helped him get over me by acting like my normal, crazy self to help ebb the flow of embarrassment.

Going to stop lying and yelling on the grass,

Emily

falling for fall

Oh how I love fall. The swirls of pumpkin spice floating around in the breeze, the crisp, cool air brushing against your skin, the warm, cozy sweaters and scarves, who could ask for more? In honor of my love for all things fall, I’ve written a small, lil’ fall poem. Enjoy!

I am a crispy fall leaf,

floating through the breeze.

Tumbling and twirling,

without thoughts of freeze,

I am warm but not,

cold but hot.

Frosting the grass,

overheating your path.

I’m here now, hello,

turning all the leaves yellow.

Don’t pass me by,

stop me and say hi.

I can’t stay long,

but I’ll leave you with my song.

 

Falling down the stairs (it hurt),

Emily

single again

Rip my love life.

Remember that time that I was excited about a guy? Back in the day (aka 1 month ago), I was ecstatic about starting a relationship with a guy that I thought I had chemistry with. Unfortunately, I backed out.

Having never been in a real relationship, I’m very wary about getting involved in relationships. I usually debate well in advance whether or not I should even pursue one, making pro and con lists for days. What if I pick the wrong guy? That means I’ll have to experience heartbreak and loss, and I’m not sure I could handle completely losing someone that I’m so close to. Maybe that’s why I always keep my boyfriends at an arm’s length. Maybe that’s why none of my relationships last longer than a month.

We had fun grabbing coffee, and just talking in general, but we never actually connected. Maybe I didn’t give it enough time. Maybe I was too hasty in judging him. Maybe I’m just desperate. So many thoughts swirling around in my head.

My roommates and I decided to invite him to a game night, so that they could get to know him (this was before I started freaking out about the whole relationship thing). I excitedly invited him over, and paced while he replied. It was official. He was coming. (We also invited one of his friends so he would know someone else besides me.)

He arrived with his friend and the party began. LOL, actually the party began when one of my roommates got back from yoga. We ate toaster waffles, and immersed ourselves in board games. Four hours later, we were checking him and his friend out of our dorm, and I officially had a verdict. I was gonna let him go.

What next? What did I do? I carefully typed out a friendly text, telling him that I just wanted to be friends because my schedule was so busy. What now? We awkwardly smile and say hello when we run into each other. How do I feel? Relieved, sad, desperate, and very scared of commitment.

the perks of being clumsy

Floating across the room has never been my forte; however, being clumsier than a rock provides me with many opportunities. Without this valuable skill, I would never have become such close friends with the floor. With the amount of effort we spend polishing the floor, it is a shame that people do not spend more time peering closely at it – from the ground, of course.

With my awesome ability to trip over any object, I have gained much research experience performing my heroic duties. Every time I trip and fall, I test the forces of gravity.  I save the world, one fall at a time.

When I was six, my parents enrolled me in dance classes. My first lesson was a memorable one. I not only knocked over my dance teacher, but I also accidentally banged my head against the barre. When my dance teacher finally recognized my immense talent in clumsiness, she immediately kept her distance, jealous of my potential. As the years passed, my skills only progressed. I kicked myself in the head while doing a botma. My head greeted my old friend – the floor – while stretching in my splits. I earned several beautiful bruises when coming out of fouttes with an illusion. One by one, my badges of clumsiness slowly accumulated.

While many claim that clumsiness is a curse, I believe in the power of the klutz. Because of my talent, people find me funny. Stories of walking into poles, tumbling down stairs, and falling face first during graduation have led to many bouts of belly-aching laughter and knee slapping joviality.

Clumsiness has also helped me fit in with all the pre-meds on this campus. As a pre-optometry student in my narrative medicine class, eye often feel disjointed. Because I am prone to scratches, bruises, and broken bones, I have gained many first-hand clinical experiences, learning through all my check-ups that I do not want to chase the MD (let’s be real, I would fall!).

So, when you are all in medical school and need patients to examine, I will always be available, most definitely injured.

 

the first month of college

YAY EDUCATION.

Coming back to college is always fun. Decorating your new space, reuniting with friends, eating too much food with your roommates, it’s all a swirl of fun. That is, until the first test hits. BUT, my first test hasn’t hit yet, so here’s a list of fun things that everyone should do in when they come back to college (or just anytime bc the first month already passed ahaha rip my idea)!

1. Decorate your dorm room!!! You’re going to be spending a whole bunch of time here, so you might as well make it look nice (aka give your eyes something nice to look at after staring at yucky homework for hours)
2. Have a midnight feast with your roomies! What better way to bond than to eat a crap ton of junk food and talk late into the night?
3. Go on a shopping spree with friends. I mean you’re obviously stressed (not yet but oh well) and retail therapy is the best therapy! You now have a lot more people to review your clothing choices, so make the most of it!
4. Go to a workout class at the gym. It’s the beginning of the semester, and you’re still (somewhat) fresh and full of energy. Go rock that Aquadance class and crush it at kickboxing. Sure, your body might die, but hey, at least you’re making the most of your gym fee.
5. BAKE. What better way to procrastinate on writing that 15 page research paper and literary analysis? Plus, you’ll have the added bonus of eating whatever you make, soooo it’s basically a win-win situation.
6. Have a game night. The perfect way to laugh the night (and morning) away with your friends.
7. Make brunch with your roomies! Toaster waffles, chocolate, fresh fruit, whipped cream, and a whole lot of bacon are a perfect way to start a lazy Saturday.
8. Hit up all the events with free food. It’s the beginning of the semester. Trust me. There will be free food.

And that’s how you do it. That’s how you have the best first month of college.

Brb, crying because my first test is on Tuesday.

Enjoying life (minus the test),

Emily

PS-ahahahaha I’m stressed but also happy because I just ate a whole bunch of waffles.

begging for respect

“Hey babe, why don’t you come over and stay up all night with me?”

“Come play with me.”

“Why don’t you show me what’s under that dress of yours?”

“Dang, she thick!”

“Smile for me, baby.”

These are just a handful of phrases that have been flung my way in conversations on the streets, in text messages, in grocery stores, in gyms, in elevators, EVERYWHERE. I don’t walk outside by myself at night at all, for fear of who/ what is lurking in the shadows. Going about daily life in broad daylight hasn’t been much better. Accompanied with once-overs and intense stares, I have felt unsafe, nervous, and have even been followed back to my apartment by a STRANGER (thank goodness for automatically locking gates).

What kind of society is this? What happened to being polite? Respecting women?

Am I no more than my body? My “juicy” butt? What about the GPA that I have worked so hard for? What about the fact that I have been classically trained in dance and piano for 15 years? What about the fact that I got into the early optometry school acceptance program? What about the fact that I am accomplished in making puns? What about the fact that I can make the BEST chocolate chip cookies? Do all of my accomplishments and my personality not matter? Am I nothing more than a sexual object?

I don’t want to hear things about my butt, how good I look, and don’t even mention that three letter word that begins with “s” and ends with “ex”. Listen. Get to know me. Please, I’m begging you.

You must be thinking, this girl is a skank. She got what she deserved because of the way she dressed. That’s not the case here. I have been catcalled in a baggy t-shirt and leggings as well as in a turtleneck sweater and jeans. That time that I was followed to my apartment by a stranger? Yeah, I was wearing professional attire– a dress with a neckline at my collarbones, and a hemline down at my knees. It wasn’t revealing in any way.

Okay, so if it’s not the way that I dress, I must be walking through “sketchy” parts of town, right? Wrong again. I live in a well-rated, gated apartment complex right off of the UAB campus. Surrounded by a supermarket, and restaurants, it’s a pretty safe place to be. Where am I walking? I’m walking 0.7 miles to my classroom from my apartment, through the research/ medical side of campus. Considered a safe area? Definitely. Does it feel like a safe area to me? Not so much.

At first, I was consumed with guilt. I felt bad that I was causing all this turmoil around me. I was causing people to yell out of their cars, honk, type inappropriate things into their phones, and pause whatever they were doing. However, after months of trying to remedy the situation, I’ve officially given up trying.

What can I do? I’ve tried dressing modestly. I’ve tried confronting those who say these demeaning things (this was hard because I’m usually too scared to respond). I’ve avoided the “sketchy” parts of town. I’ve avoided boys (this failed, I was catcalled by girls ). So I repeat, what can I do? What more can I do?

Should I just let these people taunt me? Is there nothing I can do? There’s nothing more that I would like to do than to kick the offender in a very sensitive area, with no consequences. However, this action usually warrants rape, a fight, or in very rare cases, a reluctant apology. And just like that, I’m back to square one. What more can I do?

Flustered and frustrated,

Emily

PS- I know that not everyone is like this, but this has happened to me so much that I felt I needed to write it out to stay sane. I know this isn’t my usual happy/ awkward post about my life, but this has been something on my mind for the past few months, and it’s really started to bother me recently.

My Addiction to Drama

Pretty Little Liars is over (Okay it’s been over for a while now, but I MISS IT). I don’t know what to do. My access to soul soothing, nail-biting, heart-racing drama is gone. I know who A.D. is. There’s no more waiting or suspense. Sure, the show is still on Netflix, but the thrill of waiting, discovering new details, is gone. So, how do I fill this void in my life?

Three words: I make drama.

LOL JK. I’m too busy to create drama.

I look at my surroundings. Animals are adorable. People are hilarious. Who would have thought that paying attention to your surroundings would be so much fun?

In this day and age, when everyone is running around staring at their phones, tablets, and not looking at the world around them, many small, fun details are lost. Just the other day, I glanced up from my Instagram feed to see a bird hopping over to a squirrel. Intrigued, I stopped in my tracks (causing the person walking behind me to bump into me but lol that’s not the point). The bird was holding a big ol’ piece of bread and wowza that bread looked good (I hadn’t eaten breakfast). But it was what happened next that surprised me and almost had me happy crying– the bird dropped the piece of bread in front of the squirrel.

By this time, I was freaking out and struggling not to make any high-pitched squeals that would scare the two lil’ fluffballs. The squirrel then proceeded to take the piece of bread, eat a good half of it, and place the rest of the bread on the ground. The bird then began to peck at the bread (I was totally thinking about the bird’s crop and gizzard. I know I know, I’m a nerd. It’s not my fault, we had just learned about this.)

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I HAD JUST SEEN THE SECRET FRIENDSHIP OF A SQUIRREL AND A BIRD. Was this even possible? Are all birds and squirrels friends? What else have I been missing out on??!!!!

Not staring at your phone while walking also helps you not trip as much. Oh, and it also helps you not get run over by a car. Pfft I’m not speaking from personal experience or anything. (Fun fact: if you look up from your phone when walking, you can watch other people walking while looking at their phones almost get run over by cars. Let me just tell you, it’s so much more suspenseful and dramatic than PLL.)

Happy world-watching!!!!

Love,

Emily

PS- yes, I’ve almost been hit by multiple cars

PPS- it’s okay I survived I’m still alive