What happened to the dodo birds? Do birds eat petunias? How do you grow petunias? Can I grow coffee in my backyard? How do I open my own coffee shop? How can I become a hipster?  How do I finish my 1,000 word literary analysis on The Crying of Lot 49 and Pattern Recognition in the next 2 hours? (Hahahahaha totally not a specific example if you know what I mean )

Congratulations! You did it! You got sucked into the black hole called procrastination. How do you get out of it? Well, that’s a slippery slope. Not many mortals can get out, let alone get out alive. Luckily, I’ve never procrastinated (EVER) and I’m here to give you some tips on how to not procrastinate when you’re facing a due date (I’m basically saving your life). Here we goooo.

  1. Write a blog post about procrastinating! If you have a huge assignment due the next day, start off by writing a blog post with some tips on how to not procrastinate. You HAVE to impart your wisdom on the losers that do procrastinate.
  2. Take some personality quizzes. You need to know your Myers-Briggs personality type, your star sign (and of course your horoscope for the month), which Disney princess you are, what type of dog you should adopt, which pretty little liar you are, which TV show you should watch, etc.  in order to know how to best study. You must know everything about yourself in order to be able to form a study plan/ writing schedule/ homework question approach.
  3. Text all your friends (to share your results duh). You need to send all of your friends screenshots of your quiz results with links to the surveys so they can take them too. They say friends that study together stay together. You’re doing them a favor by helping them form their study plans. Look at you, being a good person.
  4. Take a restful study break. You’ll be tired after taking all those quizzes and talking to all of your friends. Take a nice 2 hour nap and watch some TV to help yourself relax and recharge.
  5. Refuel. Now that you’ve relaxed and recharged, you’re going to be hungry. Studying is hard work, so make yourself some yummy food. Chicken alfredo, chocolate chip cookies, pizza, fries, pie, chicken nuggets, icecream, and one piece of lettuce (ya gotta be healthy dude) are all needed to provide you with ample energy to do your work.
  6. Ooops you got a little carried away with all the food. Now you have too much energy. Guess you’ll just have to clean your living space a bit. You know, just vacuum your floors, clean your toilet and bathtub, dust, polish your counters, pick up all your dirty clothes and hand-clean them, scrub all the tiled surfaces, take out the trash, organize your desk, make your bed, wash all your dishes, and fluff up all the pillows that you own.
  7. Check the time. Wow, it feels like you’ve been SUPER busy, so check the time to remind yourself of all the time you still have to complete your assignment.
  8. Do a bit of online shopping. You’ve just reminded yourself of how much time you have left, so TREAT YO’SELF. You’re about to crush this assignment/ study session. You deserve a new little somethin-somethin.
  9. Go on social media. You’ve been working hard for so long that you need to catch up with what all your friends are doing. Feel free to tweet out a couple of studying tips or studying selfies. You’ve got time.
  10. Get to work. So what if it’s 3 a.m.? You took a nap earlier, you’ll be fine. Open up your textbook/ laptop and get to work. You are now 100% prepared to work on your homework.
  11. Take a power nap. You’ve been working for 2 hours straight. You deserve a nap before you do anything else. Plus, if you’re lucky, you’ll have a nice dream about the book that you’re writing about in your paper or about the topic that you’re studying/ completing the homework on.
  12. Get back to work. It’s now 7 a.m. You’ve got an entire hour before your assignment’s due/ you take your test. YOU GOT THIS. EASY.
  13. Turn in your assignment/ show up for your test at 7:59 a.m. Are you a gangster or what? You have the best timing ever.

That’s all you have to do! Follow my foolproof plan, and you’ll never procrastinate again! What can I say, except, you’re welcome!

Expecting many thank you notes,


PS- disregard everything I wrote I’m procrastinating right now by writing this post hahahaha I’m supposed to be studying for my bio test AHAHAHAHAHA rip me



One thought on “procrastination

  1. Get studying kid!

    I’m reading a very interesting psychology book at the moment which has a chapter about how your subconscious mind can sometimes take over. This normally helps when doing menial tasks, but when you’re not doing anything, it enables you to get lost in thought.

    Liked by 1 person

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