when Mike isn’t Mike

Once upon a time, I was dejectedly making my way back from lab. It had been a long day full of dissections, phone calls, and grumpy patients. I slowly moved one foot in front of the other, dreaming of my comfy bed.

All of the sudden, I saw a pair of very fancy dress shoes. I RECOGNIZED THOSE SHOES. I RECOGNIZED THAT STYLE OF CLOTHING, SHINY BLONDE HAIR, AND IMPECCABLE POSTURE. I promptly tripped in my excitement. After I recovered from my fall, I happy screamed my way over to Mike and hugged him. I then made my customary derpy face at him. When I managed to rein in my enthusiasm, I opened my eyes and looked up at Mike for his response. Imagine my surprise, when I opened my eyes and saw NOT-Mike.

I was shook. I didn’t know what to do, and my brain immediately initiated “Awkward Emily” response, which consists of nervous laughter and an immediate increase of clumsiness. Luckily, Not-Mike started laughing before I was able to get to really clumsy. He then proceeded to tell me that he was gay, and not interested in pursuing a relationship with me. I, proceeded to tell him that I knew he was gay, and that we were going to be friends because he looked exactly like my gay friend Mike. His face suddenly became interested as he prodded me show him some pictures of Mike.

Me, being the courteous lady that I am, scrolled through Mike’s profile pics from social media and then through my personal stash of Mike photos, which consisted of him with a BUNCH of bananas (hahahahaha this was me and juhee’s present to him for valentine’s day) and the birthday collage that I had made for him (it was basically him doing really funny and random things #latenightadventures hahaha I’m a great friend).

Not-Mike was hooked. He wanted to know EVERYTHING about Mike, so I dished out fact after fact about him. After a bit, he asked, “So, how old is Mike?” When I mentioned that Mike was 18, he paled and said that he was 26. Unfortunately, Not-Mike was scared off by the age gap.

When he told me he couldn’t date Mike because the age gap was too large, I sadly nodded, but instantly perked up when he asked me if I had seen the latest episode of The Bachelorette. I screamed in joy, and began my lament about the Blake K. getting voted off situation and how much I hated the stupid Whaboom guy. We then moved on to Pretty Little Liars, favorite icecream, bow ties (I told him he should get a sparkly bow tie @Mike you need to get one too), and his sisters. He was team waffle, team gelato, and team edward. He would have been perfect. If only he had been a tad bit younger, and Mike had been a tad bit older.

Alas, not all things are meant to be, and we parted our ways. I nervously texted Mike everything that had happened, and we ended up stalking Not-Mike on social media for a good 20 minutes. Mike had dodged a bullet with Not-Mike. Not-Mike had very different political views that Mike didn’t agree with, and had typed out a couple of unsavory posts about certain topics that shall remain unnamed. As Mike and I talked over what had happened, we ended up laughing about the fact that I made an extremely derpy face at a stranger, and how I always managed to get into crazy situations.

Before we ended our conversation, Micah charged me with one task: to keep on hugging random gay guys that look like him on the street (his theory was that eventually, one guy would be a good fit). However, I think my days of hugging random strangers on the street are over, and I’ve come up with an easier way to find Micah some hot guys. If you’re a hot gay guy that’d be interested in a sassy, sweet, science-y, smart, and stylish guy like Mike, hit me up and I’ll get you two connected <3.

Signing off,

Emily

PS- if you know any hot, straight guys, send them MY way

PPS- Emillyyyyyy why don’t you have a picture of Mike on here? How will we know if he’s actually that great? -Would I have happy screamed and hugged him if he wasn’t? Trust me, he’s the best dude you’ll ever meet.

PPPS- wow don’t you just love it when love is in the air

PPPPS- moral of the story- double check to see that it’s actually your friend before you surprise hug him

 

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